Parenting is a delicate balance of trying not to screw up your kids while simultaneously screwing up your own life. But what if the stars had a say in how we might accidentally turn our little angels into future therapy clients? Let’s see how each zodiac sign might unintentionally mess up their kids.
1. Aries
Aries parents, in their enthusiasm to raise strong, independent kids, might accidentally turn every aspect of childhood into a contest. Little Timmy didn’t just learn to walk, he won the “First Steps Olympics.” These kids might grow up thinking that if they’re not first, they’re last, and that relaxation is for losers. Future therapy sessions will likely involve learning that it’s okay to just exist without trying to win at it.
2. Taurus
Taurus parents might raise kids who think the outside world is overrated. Why go out and face challenges when you can stay in and eat gourmet snacks? These children might grow up to be adults who think “adulting” is optional and that mom’s couch is a valid career choice. Their future therapists will have a hard time convincing them that discomfort is sometimes necessary for growth—and that no, a slightly lumpy cushion doesn’t count as a life challenge.
3. Gemini
Gemini parents might raise kids who think silence is a sign of the apocalypse. These children will grow up believing that every thought needs to be verbalized, tweeted, texted, and maybe even written in the sky. They’ll develop the ability to talk about everything while saying nothing of substance. Their future therapy sessions will be conducted in interpretive dance and emoji, as they’ll have exhausted all possible word combinations.
4. Cancer
Cancer parents, in an effort to protect their little ones, might accidentally raise kids who think the world is out to get them. These children will grow up to be adults who see danger lurking in every shadow and think that emotional vulnerability is scarier than any horror movie. Their future therapists will need to convince them that it’s safe to come out of their emotional comfort zones and that not every slight is a sign of impending doom.
5. Leo
Leo parents, with their flair for drama, might inadvertently raise kids who think they’re the supporting actors in the grand production of their parents’ lives. These children will grow up to be adults who are simultaneously attention-seeking and unsure if they deserve the spotlight. Their future therapy sessions will involve learning that it’s okay to be the star of their own lives and that not every achievement needs a standing ovation and a tear-filled acceptance speech.
6. Virgo
Virgo parents might accidentally create kids who think a B+ is a mark of failure and that there’s a “right” way to have fun. These children will grow up to be adults who can’t enjoy a meal without calculating its nutritional value and who think spontaneity is a dirty word. Their future therapists will need to teach them that perfection is overrated and that sometimes, “good enough” is perfect.
7. Libra
Libra parents might raise kids who think conflict is scary and that their own needs are less important than keeping everyone else happy. These children will grow up to be adults who say “I’m fine” through gritted teeth while internally screaming. Their future therapy sessions will focus on learning that it’s okay to rock the boat sometimes and that their opinions matter, even if they’re not delivered with a diplomatically worded PowerPoint presentation.
8. Scorpio
Scorpio parents, with their all-or-nothing approach to emotions, might raise kids who think that every feeling needs to be felt at maximum volume. These children will grow up to be adults who see hidden meanings in every interaction and who think that a relationship without drama is boring. Their future therapists will need to convince them that every conversation needs to be so existential.
9. Sagittarius
Sagittarius parents might accidentally create kids who think commitment is a cage and that responsibility is optional. These children will grow up to be adults who think “settling down” is a punishment and that a stable job is a sign of selling out. Their future therapy sessions will involve learning that freedom can coexist with responsibility and that sometimes, roots can help you grow taller.
10. Capricorn
Capricorn parents might raise kids who think their worth is measured by their resume. These children will grow up to be adults who can’t enjoy a vacation without bringing their laptop “just in case” and who think that relaxation is a waste of potentially productive time. Their future therapists will need to teach them that life is not a never-ending job interview and that it’s okay to enjoy the journey, not just the destination.
11. Aquarius
Aquarius parents might accidentally create kids who think fitting in is a sign of weakness and that being understood is overrated. These children will grow up to be adults who reflexively reject anything mainstream and who think that being perpetually misunderstood is a sign of intellectual superiority. Their future therapy sessions will involve learning that it’s okay to enjoy a pumpkin spice latte now and then and that communication skills are not a sign of selling out.
12. Pisces
Pisces parents might raise kids who think that practical concerns are for other people and that if you imagine hard enough, your problems will solve themselves. These children will grow up to be adults who think budgeting is optional and that “following your bliss” is a valid career strategy in any economy. Their future therapists will need to gently guide them back to earth and teach them that dreams are great, but dreams with action plans are even better.